Missionary Gone Missionary Position: Rome’s Hottest Scandal Yet!
Catholic Bishop Ciro Quispo López, a 51-year-old Peruvian minister of both word and waistline, has officially tendered his resignation after it emerged that he was running multiple ministries of horizontal fellowship- 17 women and 5 nuns deep!
For years, this holy engineer of the underworld had kept his escapades buried deeper than treasures in the Bermuda Triangle. His disguise? A cassock by day, Casanova by night. All was going smoothly until one of the nuns he’d been “hearing good” decided to fight for her man of God.
She confronted one of the Bishop’s 17 queens in a heated exchange that quickly graduated from tongues of prayer to tongues of war. Wigs flew like angelic halos, rosaries became whips, and at least two front teeth received early ascension. The nun reportedly shouted, “I’d rather lose my nun-hood than lose the staff that parts my Red Sea!”
After tasting earthly betrayal, the sister switched from gospel to gossip, leaking screenshots of their “divine fourfold fellowship” WhatsApp group to the other three nuns he was spiritually “mentoring.” The chat name? “The Holy Four Skins Ministry.”
When the screenshots reached the Vatican, officials nearly called a fire extinguisher for the Pope’s glasses. Investigators found the Bishop had been maintaining a perfect holy record by day, but by night, he was competing with King Solomon in body count and energy level.
Faced with hard evidence (pun fully intended), the Bishop gracefully resigned, surrendering all privileges, holy perks, and access to free communion wine. The Pope accepted the resignation with the speed of Wi-Fi in heaven.
Now, the Vatican is silent, the streets are alert, and 22 women are reportedly missing a man of the cloth and a master of dissection. One thing is clear: Rome has released a fully charged hyena back to the wild.